just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
17 year olds will be the death of me.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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