i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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