I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
