Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
