my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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