is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
