i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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