you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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