i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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