After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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