Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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