you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Randomize
