the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
