I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
