I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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