didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
