I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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