Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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