we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
