I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
