dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
