I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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