im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
