he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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