1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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