Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
