Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
