Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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