ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
