i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
