i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
PANTIES FOUND
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