life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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