my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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