elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
