Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
