Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
