I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
