hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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