why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
