Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
