The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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