Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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