I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
