You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
