Porn is love you can see.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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