Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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