onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
