I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
