does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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