I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
