mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
