Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
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Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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