Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
