Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
