Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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