The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
