I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
