so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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