she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
