allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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