Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
