How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
